Sadly, we all lose people close to us at some point in our lives. This makes it all the more important to learn how to correctly support people who are grieving. If you think you could use some help in this department, you’ve come to the right place. Here are 18 things you should never say to someone who is grieving.
“They Lived a Long Life”
While people usually say this with good intentions, it can imply that the length of someone’s life somehow makes their passing less significant. For some people, this could make them feel like they don’t have as much of a right to be sad or in pain. Therefore, it’s a better idea to acknowledge their loss and pain without trying to minimize the tragedy of it.
“They’re in a Better Place”
We all have different ideas about what happens after we die, and not everyone believes in an afterlife. For this reason, telling someone that their loved one is “in a better place” can actually end up doing more harm than good. It can also make them feel like you’re dismissing the pain they’re feeling in the moment, even if they do believe in an afterlife.
“I Know How You Feel”
Even if you’ve lost someone yourself, you can never know exactly how someone else is feeling during their grieving process. As noted by the Daily Mail, we all grieve differently, and no two losses are the same, so you shouldn’t assume that you know exactly how someone else is feeling.
“It Was Their Time”
Telling someone that it was their loved one’s “time” to go can be harmful in several ways. Firstly, it suggests that fate or a higher power was involved in their passing, which not everyone believes in. Secondly, it can feel like you’re invalidating their feelings by stating that their loss was supposed to happen.
“Be Strong”
This is a common phrase that people use when someone is going through times of hardship. But while it may be well-intentioned, it can make the person feel like they shouldn’t express their emotions freely, which is an important part of the grieving process.
“You Have Other Children/Family Members”
You should never minimize someone’s loss by suggesting that their loved one can be replaced by someone else in their family. We have unique and special relationships with everyone in our lives and their distinctive qualities. Therefore, you should acknowledge their loss and the unique qualities of the person who passed away.
“You Should Be Over It”
Obviously, it’s never a good idea to imply that someone should be over their loved one’s passing after a certain time period. As noted by Bolton Hospice, every experience of grief is different and should not be rushed. It’s important to acknowledge this by validating their feelings and reminding them that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
Just because you believe that everything happens for a reason doesn’t mean that everyone does or will appreciate this sentiment. It may cause an uncomfortable conflict with their beliefs or make them feel like you’re minimizing their loss and feelings. It’s a better idea to listen to what they have to say about their own experience without judgment or speculation.
“Time to Move On”
It’s really time that we stopped using this outdated remark. As mentioned previously, everybody grieves differently and for different periods of time, so you should never try to rush their natural grieving process. It can also make the person feel like they need to stop talking about their loved one and feelings about their passing.
“They Were Ready to Go”
While people who say this usually mean well, it can conflict with the person’s beliefs or feelings about the death. They might not feel like it was the right time for their loved one to leave them, and the idea that they chose to leave them behind can feel painful.
“You’re So Strong”
While this remark may seem supportive and positive on the surface, it can actually make people feel like they need to continue appearing strong by not getting emotional or breaking down. For many people, expressing their emotions is an important and healthy part of grieving, so you should encourage them to do so if they feel the need.
“At Least You Were Prepared for This”
Just because someone knows their loved one is going to die doesn’t necessarily make it easier when they do. Therefore, you shouldn’t imply that this is the case by reminding them that they were “prepared.” This can feel like an invalidation of their feelings or make them feel pressured to keep their emotions to themselves.
“Now You Can Live Your Life”
Telling someone that they can “finally live their life” again once their loved one has passed can come across as extremely insensitive and hurtful. It suggests that their loved one was somehow holding them back or that you’re trying to make their death seem like a good thing.
“It Was God’s Will”
As noted by the New York Times, not everyone believes in a god or higher power, so this remark can be conflicting and uncomfortable rather than comforting. Even people who are religious may not receive this sentiment well, as it can make them feel like you think it’s actually a good thing that their loved one passed away.
“He Was So Sick”
People sometimes use similar remarks to this to remind grieving individuals that their loved one is no longer suffering. However, while this may be a positive sentiment, it can suggest that their death should be relieving in some way, which can make the person feel conflicted, confused, and invalidated.
“Lucky to Have Them as Long as You Did”
Just because someone’s loved one lived or managed to battle declining health for a long time doesn’t mean that a grieving person will feel any better about their passing. For this reason, you shouldn’t imply that they should feel grateful or happy rather than sad or angry.
“You Can Always Remarry” or “Have Another Child”
This is another unhelpful sentiment that implies the grieving person’s loved one can be easily replaced by someone else. It’s important to remember that every relationship we have is unique and significant in its own way, so you shouldn’t undermine this fact by suggesting otherwise.
“At Least You’re Young”
Contrary to what some people think, being young does not make someone’s loss any easier to deal with. Grief can be highly impactful and painful for people of all ages, so you should acknowledge and respect every person’s experience equally. In fact, the NHS points out that being young can make grief even more difficult in some cases, as our close relationships are very important in our developmental years.
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