Parents are typically wonderful parts of our lives, but they don’t always do a good job. How they raise us defines our personalities, and sadly, this includes toxic parents. This can lead to various negative adulthood traits, just like these 19 common signs you were raised by toxic parents.
You struggle with self-doubt
If you were raised by toxic parents, you may struggle with confidence and self-doubt. Growing up with constant criticism will lead you to question everything you do as an adult. It can be hard to trust your own judgment when you have gotten used to being undermined all your life.
Always trying to please others
When you grow up trying to please your parents to avoid their criticism, people-pleasing becomes a habit. As an adult, you find yourself always putting other people’s needs before your own. Struggling to say no can lead to resentment in relationships, and you may experience burnout from running around after everyone else.
You find it hard to set boundaries
It can be hard to set boundaries as an adult when you have had little experience with them in your youth. This is a serious problem, one that can be related to learned helplessness in childhood, as pointed out by Forbes. Sadly, this may leave you feeling as though your needs are not important.
Having abandonment issues
In most parental relationships, unconditional love is always present, but in some toxic households, affection from parents can be taken away as punishment or manipulation. This leads to anxiety that loved ones will leave if you do something wrong, resulting in adults who seek constant reassurance in relationships.
Feeling guilty and ashamed
People who were raised by toxic parents often carry with them a feeling of responsibility for the lives of others. They feel that the happiness of others is their responsibility, so when something goes wrong, they will blame themselves, even though they may have had no control over the situation.
The need to overachieve
If you were raised by toxic parents, you always push yourself to achieve unrealistic goals, afraid that you won’t be good enough if you don’t meet these high standards. You put a huge amount of pressure on yourself, always trying to prove that you are worthy because you equate achievement with self-worth.
You find it difficult to express emotions
Expressing emotions may have been discouraged–even punished, in your childhood, so as an adult, you suppress them. This leads to a struggle to identify your feelings or to articulate them when you need to. You may even fear emotional intimacy due to the ridicule and dismissal of your feelings as a child.
It’s hard for you to trust
If you were constantly betrayed in childhood by the very people who were supposed to be there for you without question, how could you ever learn to trust? You will find it difficult to form real connections and let your guard down as an adult, as you will always fear manipulation or abuse.
Complete and absolute independence
Focussing heavily on being completely independent may come from an upbringing where showing vulnerability was seen as a weakness. Perhaps you don’t want to feel like a burden, so you refuse to ask for help. You feel that there is strength in not being dependent on anyone, which just isn’t true.
You have an intense fear of conflict
If you were raised in a volatile home environment, you may find yourself avoiding confrontation at all costs in your adult life. You might find it hard to stand up for yourself because you never learned how to settle minor disagreements before they blew up into something much bigger.
You can’t accept criticism
Toxic parents can make it difficult for their kids to differentiate constructive criticism from plain old negativity. If this sounds familiar, you may be a lot more defensive than you should be, and you might interpret even helpful feedback or constructive criticism as a personal attack.
Struggling with closeness
The strange paradox of seeking a connection but fearing closeness is often a result of being brought up by toxic parents, explains PsychCentral. You may feel isolated even when surrounded by people simply because you never learned how to connect.
Relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms
People who come from toxic households will often turn to substance abuse, disordered eating, or other harmful behaviors. This is down to never learning healthy ways to deal with emotions. If parents were toxic, they probably didn’t have the skills to pass on, so this cycle of shame and guilt will, sadly, continue.
Conditional love is all you know
You may have been raised with the view that love is contingent on meeting certain conditions or expectations. If that sounds familiar, you may now feel that you will be rejected by loved ones if you show them who you really are, so you walk on eggshells and hide your true self.
You don’t think much of yourself
We all have that voice inside us, created from years of being built up or torn down by our parents. This is precisely why low self-esteem can stem from childhood criticism, as Healthline claims. It leads to a person having a persistent belief in their inadequacies and seeing only their failings.
You cannot make a decision
Many victims of toxic households grow up terrified to make decisions. This may stem from being controlled by your parents and never learning to make decisions, which means that you now don’t have any confidence in your own judgment. You rely on the judgment of others and doubt your ability to make the right choice.
Putting aside your wants and needs
If your parents are toxic, you may ignore personal needs and desires because you have always had to prioritize their wants and needs. This may lead to a struggle to identify what truly makes you happy or fulfilled, as you were never allowed to think about that during your formative years.
Finding escape in fantasy
Retreating into fantasy through books, games, or solitary activities is a coping mechanism used by children to escape an unpleasant environment. However, this can lead to the unhealthy use of escapism as an adult, using these other worlds to avoid reality or responsibility.
A controlling nature
Finally, a childhood of unpredictability, chaos, and toxicity can lead to a deep-rooted need to control your environment, as noted by PsychCentral. Keeping control of situations and people close to you is a way for you to feel safe and secure. This can lead to feelings of stress when things don’t go the way you planned them.
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