As most parents discover eventually, maintaining a good relationship with adult children isn’t always easy. No matter how good your intentions are, certain phrases can still cause tension or drive a wedge between you.
To help you find that perfect balance, let’s take a look at some things you should avoid saying to your adult children.
When Are You Going to Settle Down?
Questions about marriage or long-term relationships can make your child feel like their life is on some kind of timer. Even if it comes from a place of love, constant reminders about settling down can create unnecessary pressure. Everyone moves at their own pace, and adulthood doesn’t come with a checklist that needs to be completed by a certain age.
I Wish You Were More Like…
You should never compare your child to their siblings or peers, no matter how old they are. This can quickly create resentment and insecurity. Even if it’s unintentional, remarks like this often stick and affect confidence. Everyone has their strengths and challenges, and acknowledging your child for who they are reinforces their sense of self-worth. Focus on celebrating their unique qualities rather than drawing comparisons.
I Don’t Understand Why You’re Doing That
It’s natural to question choices that seem unfamiliar or risky, but hearing this from a parent can feel dismissive. Adult children want to feel supported, even if their decisions look different from what you’d choose. Rather than leading with confusion, try asking more about their thought process.
A simple, “Tell me more about why you’re interested in this,” opens the door for conversation without shutting them down. It shows you’re curious, not critical, which strengthens the relationship.
You Should Have Listened to Me
Nobody likes being told “I told you so,” least of all your adult children. Mistakes are part of growing up, and rubbing them in can make your child feel like you don’t believe in their ability to handle life on their own. They likely already know when they’ve made the wrong call. Offering support or advice when they ask for it feels much better than highlighting where they went wrong.
Why Don’t You Call More Often?
Life gets busy, and while you might wish your child reached out more, guilt-tripping them over it rarely has the desired effect. Instead of making them feel bad, express how much you enjoy hearing from them. A simple, “I love catching up with you. Let me know when you have time to chat,” creates an open invitation without any pressure.
You Look Tired
Even if this comes from a place of concern, pointing out how tired or stressed your child looks can make them feel self-conscious. Adult life is exhausting at times, and they’re likely aware of how they appear. Offering support like, “Is there anything I can do to help lighten your load?” feels far more encouraging than commenting on their appearance.
Are You Sure That’s a Good Idea?
Doubt can creep into anyone’s mind, and hearing it from a parent can really amplify your child’s insecurity. Even if you have concerns about a decision your child is making, approaching it carefully matters. Try asking questions that help them think through things rather than presenting your worries outright.
I Was Your Age When I…
Don’t compare your experiences to their, as this can feel invalidating, even if your goal is to relate. Times change, and the challenges today’s adults face often look different from what you encountered at their age. Instead of drawing comparisons, listen to their perspective and acknowledge the unique hurdles they face. Your support means more when it doesn’t come with a side of competition or comparison.
Why Don’t You Have Kids Yet?
Bringing up grandchildren can be a sensitive subject, especially if your child is still figuring out their path. Not everyone feels ready for parenthood, and some may not want children at all. Constantly asking about it can lead to awkwardness or frustration. Trust that they’ll share their plans when the time feels right, and in the meantime, focus on enjoying the relationship you have.
You Were Easier to Deal with as a Kid
Even if said jokingly, comments like this can sting. Adult children want to feel like their growth is appreciated, not that they’ve become a burden. Relationships evolve, and reflecting positively on who they are now, rather than longing for who they used to be, helps maintain closeness. Celebrate the adult they’ve become instead of comparing them to the past.
I Wish You Lived Closer
Distance can be tough, but reminding your child that you miss having them nearby can feel like guilt rather than love. They might have moved for work, relationships, or personal growth, and while they may miss home, they also need space to create their own life.
You Never Listen to Me
Yes, it’s frustrating when you feel unheard, but this statement often leads to defensiveness rather than understanding. If communication feels strained, try rephrasing it to, “I feel like we’re not always on the same page, can we talk about it?” This opens the door for dialogue rather than putting the blame entirely on them.
Don’t You Think You Should…
Unsolicited advice, even when well-meaning, can feel overbearing to anyone. Adult children appreciate guidance but often want to figure things out on their own. Offering advice as an option rather than a directive creates a more supportive atmosphere.
Phrasing it as, “Have you thought about…?” leaves room for their input and feels collaborative rather than controlling.
I Wouldn’t Do It That Way
Hearing that their approach isn’t the “right” one can feel dismissive to your adult child. While your experience might lead you to handle things differently, their path might require trial and error.
Offering alternative suggestions without undermining their decisions can help preserve their confidence. A simple, “I had a different experience, but I’m curious to see how yours works out,” encourages open conversation without judgment.
You Need to Lose/Gain Weight
Comments about physical appearance, even if they come from a place of concern, will usually do more harm than good. Body image is a sensitive topic for most adults, and unsolicited feedback can feel invasive. If you’re worried about their health, focusing on overall well-being rather than weight is more supportive.
Your Generation Has It Easy
This is a surefire way to make your adult child feel invalidated. While their struggles may differ from the ones you faced, that doesn’t mean they’re any less real or challenging. Every generation deals with unique pressures shaped by the time they live in. Acknowledging the difficulties they face, even if they don’t seem familiar to you, strengthens empathy and keeps the lines of communication open.
You Always Do This
Generalizations like this can make your adult child feel defensive and unfairly labeled. Instead of using absolute statements, try focusing on the specific behavior or concern you want to address.
For example, “I noticed this happened again, and I’m wondering if there’s a way I can help,” feels more constructive. It shifts the conversation from blame to collaboration, which encourages them to engage rather than pull away.