Society is undoubtedly becoming more accepting and open-minded towards transgender individuals. However, some people are still ignorant or misinformed about how to treat them fairly and respectfully. If you’re worried this could be you, we’re here to help. This list reveals 20 things you should never say to a transgender person.
“What’s Your Real Name?”
Asking a transgender person about their “real name” is considered disrespectful and invalidating. That’s because trans people will usually use a new name that better reflects their gender identity, and this becomes their real name. You should always refer to a trans person using the name and pronouns they introduce themselves with.
“Have You Had the Surgery?”
While some transgender people are open to talking about their surgical procedures, not all of them will be. For this reason, it’s better to let the person in question introduce the topic on their own, especially if you don’t know them well. Like most people, trans individuals prefer that you see them as people rather than just bodies. As noted by Stonewall, you also don’t need to have any surgeries to be transgender.
“You Don’t Look Trans”
While saying that someone “doesn’t look trans” can be meant as a compliment, it suggests that there is a certain way transgender people should look, which isn’t true. It can also inadvertently make the person feel like you’re invalidating or diminishing their identity.
“Which Bathroom Do You Use?”
The “bathroom debate” has received quite a bit of public and political attention, but that doesn’t mean that transgender individuals want to talk about it. People often see this as an uncomfortable and personal question that can lead to an unwanted debate.
“I Could Never Tell You Were Trans”
This is another comment that may be intended as a compliment or form of validation. However, some people may think you’re implying that being trans is something that should be hidden or that “passing” is the primary goal for all trans individuals, which isn’t actually the case.
“You’re Just Confused”
Transgender people typically spend years reflecting on their identity and coming to the conclusion that they don’t fit the sex they were born as. Therefore, telling them that they’re “just confused” will be received as very disrespectful, ignorant, and invalidating. Remember that trans people know themselves better than anyone else, so it’s not right for you to assume you understand their identity better.
“It’s Just a Phase”
Similarly, you shouldn’t assume that a person’s carefully considered gender identity is “just a phase.” This will make the person you’re talking to feel invalidated, disrespected, and misunderstood. It also suggests that their gender identity is frivolous or easily changeable.
“What Do You Have Down There?”
Asking someone what they have “down there” is a highly personal and inappropriate question, especially if you don’t know the person well. As noted by GLAAD, you wouldn’t ask that question of a cisgender (non-trans) person, and it’s no different when talking to a transgender individual.
“You Must Like Men/Women, Right?”
Contrary to what some people think, one’s gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely separate things. Just like cisgender people, trans individuals can have any sexual orientation. Therefore, you shouldn’t assume that someone isn’t transgender just because they’re attracted to people of their own gender.
“But You Were So Pretty as a Girl/Boy”
Telling someone that you preferred what they looked or acted like before transitioning is never a good idea. It can make them feel like their value or worth is only dependent on their appearance or whether they conform to gender norms. You may also make them feel like they should regret their transition.
“Aren’t You Just a Drag Queen/King?”
There is a big difference between being transgender and being a drag artist. Drag is all about entertainment and performance, while being transgender is about one’s personal gender identity. Telling a transgender person that they’re “just a drag queen/king” is therefore considered very disrespectful and ignorant.
“Which Pronouns Are You Trying Out?”
While it’s okay to ask what someone’s preferred pronouns are, you shouldn’t imply that they’re merely “trying them out.” This suggests that you think their pronouns are only experimental rather than being a fundamental part of their identity. You should also make sure to always use the pronouns someone asks you to.
“How Do You Have Sex?”
Asking someone about their sexual activity is almost always considered intrusive and inappropriate regardless of their gender identity, so you shouldn’t ask transgender people about it, either. Doing so can easily make you come across as rude, disrespectful, and invasive.
“You Must Be So Brave”
While it’s fairly common for people to tell trans individuals that they’re brave as a compliment, it won’t always be received as one. It can make them feel like you see them as very different and abnormal, or like being their true self is inherently risky.
“Are Your Parents Okay with This?”
Asking whether a transgender person’s parents are okay with their transition implies that the validity of their gender identity is dependent on how others see them. This can also be a very sensitive subject for some people if their parents aren’t understanding or supportive of their identity.
“Is This Because of a Trend?”
Being transgender is not simply a passing trend. As noted by the Human Rights Campaign, people have identified this way for a long time and across many different cultures. Asking someone if their identity is just part of a trend can feel very hurtful, invalidating, and dismissive.
“I Miss the Old You”
Sometimes, people who knew someone before and after their transition can be tempted to make comparisons or reflect on how they used to be different. However, telling someone that you miss the “old them” or preferred how they were before can make them feel like you don’t accept or appreciate them for their true self.
“You’re Doing This for Attention”
Being transgender isn’t easy, so it’s wrong to assume that people would go through such a big change simply to gain more attention. Telling them this can also make them feel belittled, invalidated, and misunderstood. Being transgender is about being your true self, not gaining attention.
“Can’t You Just Be Gay?”
Some people mistakenly assume that one’s gender identity is just a sexual orientation issue. In reality, sexual orientation and gender identity are completely separate and should be treated as such. Asking this question also implies that you think being gay is somehow “better” than being trans.
“You’re Actually So Pretty!”
According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, giving compliments based on stereotypes about how men or women “should” look can actually be harmful. It implies that you’re surprised that a person “passes” and don’t expect transgender people to look good, making it more of a backhanded compliment.
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