It used to be incredibly uncommon for older couples to get divorced; however, now, more than one in three American divorcees are older than 50. So where does this new societal trend, called ‘gray divorce’, come from? Here are 18 reasons why divorce is on the rise for people over 50.
Social Norms Have Changed
Divorce used to be a huge no-no as recently as the 1990s. However, a 2022 survey by Gallup found that 81% of Americans view divorce as morally acceptable, so the tides have definitely turned. With divorce now seen as socially acceptable, older couples don’t feel the same pressure to stay together if they’re no longer happy.
Their Children Have Grown Up
After spending decades living as a family unit, raising children, and being known primarily as mom and dad, it can be hard to adjust to having an empty nest. Many couples realize that they struggle to go back to how they were before the family dynamic changed, so once their children have all moved out, they separate.
Fights Over Money
Couples of all ages fight over money, but these fights are often more severe for older couples with more wealth and property than younger couples. This is also why gray divorce often financially devastates one party: there is more to lose. But too many arguments over money are enough to kill any spark.
Lack of Intimacy
When you’ve been together for a long time, becoming content and falling into routines is natural. While this isn’t a bad thing, it can lead to a lack of intimacy as both parties become wrapped up in their own lives. No matter how long they’ve been married, nobody wants to live the rest of their life without intimacy.
Changing Priorities
The older you get, the more your priorities will change, and this is often a massive marriage killer. As couples mature, they start to want different things and fail to prioritize their relationship. As a result, they become incompatible and discover that they’d actually be happier apart.
Longer Life Expectancy
The current American life expectancy is around 80, so 50 is no longer the old age it once was. Dr Rashika Gomez credits this longer life expectancy for the increase in gray divorce because people are now hitting 50 and realizing they no longer want to spend the decades they’ve got left with someone who doesn’t meet their needs.
Individual Growth
Personal growth is essential, but you need your relationship to grow with you. If it doesn’t, you’ll soon outgrow your partner, and that’s what happens to a lot of couples over 50. Once you start wanting different things and looking differently at the world, the relationship becomes stilted, and divorce is the alternative to wasting more time together.
Changing Gender Stereotypes
In the past, divorce was almost unthinkable for a wife. Any woman who divorced risked societal judgment and economic devastation. But times have changed, and women are no longer as dependent on their husbands. These changing gender stereotypes have shown older women that they don’t need to be content in a failing relationship and can choose their own happiness.
Falling Out of Love
Falling out of love is immensely painful, but it’s a very real reality, especially when you’ve been together for a long time. Couples over 50 have had a long time to learn and love each other, but this time also means that they grow individually, change their priorities, and may no longer love their partner the same.
Life Changes After Retirement
Retirement is a massive life change that we don’t talk about enough. One day, your decades-long career ends, and you’re left to figure out what to do with the rest of your life. Retired couples now spend all their time together, and for some, it’s too much. Slowing down makes them see their marriage in a new light.
No Longer Feeling Content
Contentment is a great state to be in because you’re satisfied and happy and wouldn’t change anything. Unfortunately, plenty of over-50s open their eyes to the dynamics of their relationships and realize they want more. They’re no longer content; they want to pursue new ambitions, and the relationship may actually be holding them back, so they divorce.
Repetitive Routines
Routines aren’t necessarily a bad thing, but they can mean a lack of spontaneity. A UVA National Marriage Project report found that only 48% of married US couples regularly go out on dates. Over time, couples become stuck in these repetitive, unromantic routines until they implode, leading to divorce later in life.
Lack of Things in Common
Sometimes, there is no huge blowout cause for divorce. Instead, some couples simply realize, thanks to personal growth, that they actually lack things in common. Life is too short to spend it not doing the things you enjoy, so many couples over 50 choose to split up rather than try to make a failing relationship work.
Not Sharing The Mental Load
The mental load refers to all the invisible mental labor required to keep a family and household organized, such as preparing meals, booking appointments, helping with children’s school assignments, and planning family events. Harper’s Bazaar points out how women are often called ‘nags’ when they ask for help, and that’s why many older wives have now had enough.
Lifestyle Changes
Everything changes with age: health, work, family dynamics. These major lifestyle changes sometimes divide couples. For instance, if one spouse wants to change their habits and become healthier, the relationship dynamic will change, and the other partner might feel left behind. Lifestyle differences are starker in older couples, which is why they contribute to gray divorce.
Poor Communication
Communication is one of the foundations of a successful marriage, but just because a couple has been married for a long time doesn’t mean they’ll have nailed it. Poor communication includes arguments, poor listening, silent treatment, and not understanding the other person’s wants. Decades of this often leads to couples reaching a breaking point and divorcing.
More Conflict Than Happiness
Marriage requires work, so things won’t be happy 100% of the time. However, when there is more conflict than happiness, it becomes too much. Plenty of over-50s were sold an idealized version of marriage at their weddings, and while they might have excused things over the years, many are now realizing that marriage isn’t worth all the conflict.
The Benefit of Hindsight
Hindsight is a powerful thing, and it’s also responsible for the rise in divorce among people over 50. Huffington Post reports that plenty of middle-aged divorcees regret marrying when they look back, with reasons including thinking they could change their partner, making assumptions, not sharing deeper connections, and not being prepared to work at marriage.
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