Breakups are tough, and when someone you care about is going through one, you naturally want to comfort them. However, even well-intentioned words can sometimes do more harm than good.
Here are some common phrases to avoid when someone is navigating the pain of a breakup – and what you can do instead.
“You’re Better Off Without Them”
This might well be true, but saying it right away can make their pain feel dismissed. Breakups often come with a mix of emotions, and they might not be ready to hear criticism of their ex just yet.
This phrase, though well-meaning, can seem like you’re brushing off their feelings. Instead, validate their emotions by saying something like, “I know this is hard, and I’m here for you.”
“There Are Plenty of Fish in the Sea”
Here’s a classic phrase that is intended to sound encouraging, but it often feels dismissive and unhelpful. When someone is grieving the end of a relationship, they’re not ready to find someone new, they’re processing what they’ve lost. This comment can make them feel rushed to move on before they’re ready.
“At Least You Weren’t Together That Long”
The length of their relationship doesn’t alter the emotions they’re feeling. Their connection was meaningful to them, however long it lasted. This phrase can come across as invalidating, making them feel like they shouldn’t be upset. It’s better to acknowledge their pain with empathy.
“I Never Liked Them Anyway”
You’re trying to show support, but this statement can backfire. They may still have lingering feelings for their ex or be conflicted about the relationship. Hearing negative opinions can make them defensive or regret sharing their pain with you. Focus on their needs, which opens the door for them to talk to you without feeling judged or pressured to agree with your perspective.
“You’ll Get Over It”
While it’s true that time heals most wounds, they will not be ready to hear this yet. Telling someone they’ll “get over it” can feel dismissive and minimize the pain they’re experiencing.
This phrase can make them feel like their emotions are invalid or not worth addressing. A better approach is to say: “I know this is really hard right now, and I’m here to listen.” Let them know their feelings matter and that they’re not alone in this process.
“What Exactly Happened?”
Curiosity is a natural emotion, but pressing them for details about the breakup can feel intrusive or overwhelming. They may not be ready, or willing, to rehash everything right away. Asking for specifics can make them feel like they need to justify their emotions. Instead, offer a supportive presence: “I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”
“You Should Try to Stay Friends”
Everyone handles breakups differently, and friendship may or may not be in the cards. Suggesting that they stay friends with their ex can be a touchy subject, especially if the breakup was painful or complicated. They may need distance to heal, and pushing for friendship too soon can feel like added pressure.
“At Least You’re Single Again!”
They may not be excited about being single, especially if they’re mourning the relationship. Framing their breakup as a positive for their social life will come across as tone-deaf. This phrase can make them feel like their pain isn’t being taken seriously. It’s better to acknowledge the complexity of their feelings: “I know this must be really hard for you. Let me know how I can support you.”
Showing empathy and understanding goes much further than trying to put a silver lining on their pain.
“It Could Be Worse”
Pain is personal, and no one wants to hear that their struggles aren’t bad enough to warrant support. Comparing their breakup to other difficult situations minimizes their emotions and makes them feel like they’re being judged for feeling hurt. Avoid comparisons and focus on being a comforting presence as they navigate their emotions.
“You Just Need to Put Yourself Out There”
The suggestion that they should put themselves out there can also come across as pressuring them to move on before they’re emotionally prepared. Encouraging them to date again right away will feel overwhelming and dismissive. They might not be ready to think about meeting someone new while they’re still processing their breakup.
A better approach is to focus on their well-being: “Take the time you need to heal and focus on yourself. You don’t have to rush into anything.”
“This Is a Great Time for a Glow-Up”
To focus on self-improvement isn’t necessarily bad, but framing it as a “glow-up” can make them feel like they need to change to be better. This phrase can unintentionally come off as shallow, suggesting that their worth is tied to how they look or how they’re perceived by others.
“You Must Be Relieved”
Even if the relationship wasn’t ideal, breakups often come with a mix of emotions, including sadness and loss. Assuming they’re relieved after splitting up can completely miss the mark. Telling them they should feel relief can invalidate their pain and make them feel misunderstood.
“You Should Have Seen This Coming”
There may well have been clear warning signs, but no one wants to feel blamed or criticized while they’re grieving. Implying they should have anticipated the breakup can feel hurtful and unsupportive. This kind of comment only adds to their pain and makes it harder for them to process their emotions.
Avoid judgment and offer unconditional support. Focus on providing comfort: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
“At Least You Didn’t Have Kids Together”
This might seem like a positive way to reframe the situation, it can feel crass and dismissive of the pain they’re experiencing. Every breakup is difficult in its own way, and minimizing their grief by pointing out what they didn’t have can make them feel invalidated.
“Time Heals All Wounds”
When someone is in the midst of heartbreak, this phrase will fall flat, however well-meaning your intentions They may intellectually know that time will help, but hearing it in the moment won’t relieve their current pain. Offering genuine empathy is far more comforting than vague platitudes.
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
Intended to provide comfort, this sentiment can come across as dismissive or overly simplistic. In the middle of heartbreak, they might not want to hear that their pain is part of some larger plan. This phrase can feel invalidating and may even add frustration. Offering empathy and support is far more meaningful.
Listen to and validate their feelings: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Let me know how I can support you.”
“Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Done X”
Who needs friends who would make a dumb remark like this? Blaming them for the breakup by implying they made a mistake or did something wrong piles on the guilt and shame in an already painful situation. Even if they’ve shared details about what went wrong, pointing fingers will make them feel judged and unsupported.
“You’ll Find Someone Better”
Let them set their own pace for moving forward. While the intention behind this phrase might be positive, it can come across as dismissive of their grief. They’re not focused on finding someone else yet, because they’re still mourning the end of a relationship that was meaningful to them. Hearing this can make them feel pressured to move on before they’re ready.